Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Been a while....

Yes, it's been a while since I posted anything here....just got caught up in life I suppose. I've also noticed that it's been a while since I've been "Suzanne". I was thinking the other day about my life pre-husband and pre-kids. What were my worries? What were my concerns? What did I DO???!!!!??? I had to get the pick-axes out and really dig deep into my memories....even though I've only been married for 5 years and have had kids for 3.5, it really is difficult to remember life BEFORE all that.

Oh yes! I remember, I was JUST Suzanne. I wasn't "wife", "honey", "mom", "mommy", "Mrs. Suzanne".....I was just Suzanne. Wow, I wonder what that feels like - to not have any of those labels attached to me. I remember after college, I was living at home (saving money), I had a great job as an assistant buyer, I bought a bright yellow Beetle and came and went wherever I desired to come and go. I ate what I wanted (which was fairly healthy), went shopping when I wanted to, read books without being interrupted, went to concerts, went out with friends, went running, went to the gym, visited friends and family, and watched TV. Wow. I can't really imagine doing any of those things now - well, not without dragging children along and coordinating work schedules with the hubby. I actually did things for myself, I had time to think, people didn't expect the world from me. Imagine that!

So what did I worry about if it wasn't:
"What am I going to make for dinner?"
"Will the kids nap well for me today?"
"I have to go grocery shopping."
"Does my husband still think I'm attractive?"
"How can I get to church,the grocery store,get gas, AND get the kids to take a nap?"
"Can't we just order pizza for dinner?"
"Man, there's a lot of laundry to do."
"This place is a WRECK!"
"Dinner, I have to think of something to make for dinner."
"Ugh, I should make the bed."
"Maybe we can do Chinese for dinner."
"What music are we playing in church on Sunday?"
"Should I eat this or should I be good?"
"Am I a good wife?"
"Are my kids watching too much television?"
"I look fat in this."
"Am I drinking too much coffee?"
"Should I send my kids to private school, public school, or home school?"
"Am I a good mother?"
"What, oh WHAT will I make for dinner?"
"Am I being a good example for the teens at church?"
"Where's my OTHER SHOE?!?!?"
"Am I on the computer too much?"
"I need to pray more."
"Will the laundry pile EVER recede????!!!"

So what did I worry about before all this? Well, for certain, I still worried about where my other shoe was, I've always had trouble keeping them together. But seriously, what did I worry about? I guess I worried about getting married and having kids. So...I worried about having the life I have now. Interesting.

I love being "wife", "honey", "mom", "mommy", "Mrs. Suzanne", and even "ma'am"....but sometimes I just want to be "Suzanne". The other day I went to the mall all by myself,(after a very very very very difficult day) and reflected on all of these things. I suppose it's just part of the ever-changing cycle of life. But once in a while, I don't want to HAVE to do anything but be ME. So I think I'm gonna do that, schedule some "SUZANNE TIME", not "me time", not "mommy time", but SUZANNE TIME. How about once a month? I think that's doable. Afterall, my name IS Suzanne, and I AM a person, not just a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, and church goer. I am Suzanne, hear me wait.....hear me sneak out the back door and go somewhere all by myself.